Dave Barry

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot. ”

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin. ”

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. ”

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. ”

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective. ”

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter. ”

And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West. ”

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. ”

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. ”

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball. ”