Dave Barry

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. ”

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. ”

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires. ”

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. ”

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. ”

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically. ”

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true! ”

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins. ”

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print. ”

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford. ”