Dave Barry

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. ”

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. ”

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. ”

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. ”

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. ”

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer. ”

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. ”

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. ”

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example. ”

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula. ”