Chelsea Handler

I have severe ADD, and I'm constantly looking to amuse myself. ”

My standup is observational, but it's self-observational, and it's self-deprecating, definitely. ”

You can act, or you can't. I'm sure a lot of people who are serious about acting would disagree, but I'm not really worried about them. ”

My position as the best-selling author at E! is secure - unless Salman Rushdie develops a show with them. ”

Some people have a phobia of midgets. They're, like, scared of them. I have the opposite - I see them, and I want to hold them down, cuddle them, be like, 'Come here, you little nugget. Who's your mommy now?' So cute! ”

I thought I'd become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much. ”

There's only so much you can say about celebrity, obviously. ”

Everywhere I go, people ask me about Jennifer Aniston's wedding. Everywhere I go. I always say to her, I'm like, 'Being friends with you is a burden. You think it's hard to be friends with me?' ”

I like to have a home for people just to have a lot of fun. ”

Jews are underdogs - not in my world, obviously, they're not. ”