Gilbert Gottfried

I find Washington audiences are basically the same as every other audience; they watch me and go, 'Who's idea was it to go see him? And is it too late to ask for my money back?' ”

I always wish the hotels were like they are in movies and TV shows, where if you're in Paris, right outside your window is the Eiffel Tower. In Egypt, the pyramids are right there. In the movies, every hotel has a monument right outside your window. My hotel rooms overlook the garbage dumpster in the back alley. ”

Back when Jerry Seinfeld was just another comedian hanging around the clubs, I'd imitate him to amuse myself and the other comics. The club owners would say, 'What are you doing that for? Nobody knows him.' ”

I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl. ”

I'd like to have a kid, but I'd probably get a Frank Sinatra Jr. instead of a Gilbert Gottfried Jr. I'd totally screw up like that. ”

The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever. ”

I remember being at the premiere of 'Beverly Hills Cop II' and the tremendous reaction from the crowd outside, then going to a party at a hotel afterwards where the speakers were blasting 'Shakedown,' a song from the movie. That felt like a show biz moment to me. ”

I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive. ”

I'm known for my slightly inappropriate remarks. ”

I think of Alan Thicke as Perry Como without the excitement. ”