Gilbert Gottfried

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked. ”

There definitely is exposure in reality shows, but the exposure will basically get you more reality shows. ”

I always try to avoid anything that has to do with my life. ”

In real life I'm a tall, blond Christian. ”

No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism. ”

One thing I can take credit for, along with the rest of show business, is when the red ribbons were out, we cured AIDS. Any advancements that came towards fighting AIDS were not done by scientists or doctors - it was people with little ribbons on their lapels. ”

Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it's very funny. ”

A lot of people who claim they're political comedians are just comedians who have opinions. But they stop being funny the minute they give their opinions. ”

Some comedians tell nice jokes that you can tell to your kids. Some use bad words - they work 'blue.' If you don't want to hear a joke that's blue, you shouldn't go to a comedy club where a comedian who makes blue jokes is performing. ”

I changed the face of comedy. I used to be funny. ”