Gilbert Gottfried

Nothing can help my comedy. ”

People have many theories about comedy, but being just plain funny is the one most important thing. ”

I used to go to the Improvisation Comedy Club every night in Times Square. How I didn't get killed in that area either means that 1) God is watching over me or 2) I am so insignificant to God that he didn't bother having me killed. ”

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either. ”

If a comedian tells a joke that you find funny, you laugh. If he tells a joke you do not find funny, don't laugh. Or you could possibly go as far as groaning or rolling your eyes. Then you wait for his next joke; if that's funny, then you laugh. If it's not, you don't laugh - or at very worst, you can leave quietly. ”

I'm used to explaining to people why my jokes were funny. ”

I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like it's crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like it's laughing. Nowadays, we would say, 'How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask.' ”

Off-camera, I sound like Perry Como. ”

Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out. ”

Well, I'm eventually gonna take the Daryl Hannah parts. ”