George Burns

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age. ”

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there. ”

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples. ”

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. ”

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money. ”

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. ”

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. ”

It's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere. ”

You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made. ”

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. ”