Dennis Miller

I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years. ”

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways. ”

Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again. ”

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash? ”

Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on. ”

America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school. ”

I lapsed into rude. ”

If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem. ”

Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels. ”

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. ”