Dennis Miller

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch. ”

Never have lives less lived been more chronicled. ”

I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life. ”

The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country. ”

Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living. ”

What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy. ”

What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign. ”

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy. ”

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven. ”

Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking. ”