I was put on earth to make people laugh.

Men and women cannot live by bread alone. They must also tinkle. Show me someone who has no trouble tinkling, and I will show you a happy and rich person.

A humorist has to be taken seriously before he's considered a real writer.

The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.

I first read the 'Raj Quartet' in the early 1970s, when Paul Scott's decision to set his novels in the dying days of the British Raj in India seemed an eccentric choice, almost as though he did not want readers. The British were tired of their imperial past.

Having lost people when they were young, you feel intimately acquainted with mortality, I guess. Though I procrastinate worse than anybody.

It's been three years since I last performed here so I'm dying to tear the roof off Wembley Arena with some old school joints and brand new bangers. When I'm done, you're gonna remember it for a long time to come.

Christians - whether as a priest, a nun, a minister, whatever - have just been stereotyped to death. You try to be a model of kindness and love and forgiveness to all those around you, because you have received kindness and love and forgiveness from God through Christ. That's what Christianity is.