Art Buchwald

I was put on earth to make people laugh.

Men and women cannot live by bread alone. They must also tinkle. Show me someone who has no trouble tinkling, and I will show you a happy and rich person.

A humorist has to be taken seriously before he's considered a real writer.

The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.

I found out I'd spent my whole life believing things that weren't necessarily accurate. My sisters' memories of certain events are entirely different from mine.

Becoming eighty is a matter of life or death. I chose life. It is a much better position to be in, and it's easier on your back.

Unless they've had some experience with it, the hospice is still a mystery to most people. Because hospice deals with death, people tend not to talk about it.

Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed before.

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

I've known Don since he came to Washington. When he first came to work for George W. Bush, he was a different Don Rumsfeld. He was jolly, full of life, and ready to go to war, but only if we could win.

So far things are going my way. I am known in the hospice as The Man Who Wouldn't Die. I don't know if this is true or not, but I think some people, not many, are starting to wonder why I'm still around.

There was tremendous pressure to take dialysis, and there were lots of tears when I broke the news to the family that I was not going to do it.