Groucho Marx

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy. ”

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. ”

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early. ”

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt. ”

I must confess, I was born at a very early age. ”

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. ”

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. ”

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. ”

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. ”

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining. ”