Groucho Marx

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. ”

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths. ”

Humor is reason gone mad. ”

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. ”

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. ”

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know. ”

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. ”

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. ”

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it. ”

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. ”