Gilbert Gottfried

If I could cause world peace by taking someone out to lunch, I'd go, 'Well, war isn't that terrible.' ”

The joy of the roasts is to watch people get hurt and offended, and then have to laugh to pretend they're a good sport. ”

I was the class podiatrist. I never made it to class clown. I wasn't funny enough. I would examine feet and prescribe and ointment. It was a sad childhood. ”

My family originally lived in Brooklyn. Our first apartment was a little place above my father and uncle's hardware store in Coney Island. Now, don't get the impression that we were surrounded by merry-go-rounds, roller coasters and Ferris wheels. Nope, this was a little side street. ”

I don't know if I change my act from century to century. Sometimes I'm onstage doing imitations and references to people who have been dead for 50 years. ”

I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept. ”

I always feel that most political jokes, if you're going to do them, you have to do them within the next five minutes, or else they're outdated. By the time you've got it to the point that it's strong, it would be 12 years old. ”

I think a lot of people have too much time on their hands. ”

I'm terrible when I have to fill up free time. My days, if I'm not working, I wake up and figure out a way to kill time until it's time to go to sleep. ”

Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews. ”