George Carlin

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. ”

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. ”

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. ”

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. ”

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. ”

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. ”

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. ”

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. ”

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. ”