George Carlin

Think off-center. ”

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. ”

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. ”

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands. ”

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. ”

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. ”

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. ”

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. ”

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. ”

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. ”