Erma Bombeck

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows. ”

When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. ”

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. ”

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick. ”

Never have more children than you have car windows. ”

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. ”

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television. ”

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. ”

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy. ”

I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up. ”