Erma Bombeck

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. ”

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other. ”

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. ”

For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy. ”

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex. ”

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'. ”

Children make your life important. ”

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is. ”

I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it. ”

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely. ”