Artie Lange

When I encountered rich people for the first time, I discovered that not only do they holiday in places that are hard to find on a map, but that they also use the names of seasons as verbs. When they asked me, 'Where did you summer and winter growing up?' I would usually say, 'As a child? The same place I springed and autumned.' ”

When political correctness first started coming around, it ruined Andrew Dice Clay and Eddie Murphy's stand-up career. Sam Kinison died at just the right time, 'cause no one was going to tolerate what he was saying anymore either. ”

I was always a thin kid; I was an athlete. ”

I'm very resilient. The only thing I'm missing right now are abs. ”

Thank God I have a financial planner who is really conservative. ”

And now it looks like I'm probably going to shoot a movie that I wrote. I got the money to do it, and I would star and all, because of being on Howard. ”

Googling me, you talk about being depressed. First of all there's 18 websites that predict my early death. ”

It's good to be alive. ”

When you did impressions on 'MADtv,' the producers gave you a Walkman that played huge sections of whatever movie was being parodied, with your character's catchphrases recorded on a loop. You'd wear this thing around during rehearsals and for a week listen to the voice you had to impersonate over and over again. It drove all of us crazy. ”

A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian. ”