Ambrose Bierce

Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught. ”

Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding. ”

Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing. ”

Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious. ”

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office. ”

Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured. ”

Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while. ”

Eulogy. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead. ”

Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. ”

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion. ”