Emo Philips

You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.