Chelsea Handler

I have always maintained a strong opposition to marriage because I would have to be in serious denial to pretend I wasn't born with a personality for divorce. Whatever the opposite of amicable is, that's how my breakups tend to play out.

In a relationship, the sum of your parts should equal more than just you by yourself. He needs to bring something new and different to the table to up the ante.

You can't fast-forward heartbreak, and you can't rewind love - and that's just one big bummer.

I love Sandra Bullock. I think everybody loves her.

I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense.

I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.

Don't think about anything for too long. Even if it's off-the-wall, go for it. You'll have a lot more fun in life.

Once I turned 40, my whole life changed in the most mature - not boring way but much cooler way. I feel much more like an adult.

I like to celebrate my life. I have a life that I'm really lucky to have, and so I want to make sure every minute counts and that I go on great vacations and I share my memories with people that I love and that will make me laugh and lalalalalala.

It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.

I've always had a problem with authority. That's why I had to be my own boss.

I cannot be Mary Hart - or even worse, Samantha Harris - and stand there with my hip out talking about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes taking Suri to an art museum without making fun of it.