Bob Hope

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

I have too much money invested in sweaters.

When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.

I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.