Benny Hill

I thought I couldn't afford to take her out and smoke as well. So I gave up cigarettes. Then I took her out and one day I looked at her and thought: 'Oh well,' and I went back to smoking again, and that was better.

I don't covet images or belongings. My television set and video are rented, any paintings aren't worth a fortune, and money is of little interest.

I used to watch all these great fat women in the audience laughing at the comic, and I would think how wonderful it would be to be that man. He was surrounded by pretty girls, he obviously got more money than anyone else, and everyone loved him.

I changed it to Leslie Hill, only that seemed more like a cocktail pianist. Eventually, being an admirer of Jack Benny, I took his name.

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

I'm not against half naked girls - not as often as I'd like to be.

That's what show business is, sincere insincerity.

What we've discovered is that Americans seem to love our saucy humor.

A man who fails is funny... if my sketches teach anything, it is that, for the male, sex is a snare and a delusion. What's so corrupting about that?

I don't do something I won't enjoy just for the money. I do it for the fun, for the joy of working.

The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.

I have a mental age of about 17. Far too young for marriage.