Steven Wright

I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.

People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it.

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.