Steven Wright

My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this before.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

How young can you die of old age?

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'