Steven Wright

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.

Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.

Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.

I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.