Pat Paulsen

So I got into growing grapes, not realizing that there was a heck of a lot more to it than meets the eye.

I admit I do have some drawbacks and limitations as a candidate. Although I am a professional comedian, some of my critics maintain that this is not enough. I cannot deny that I stand before you untested and inexperienced - I only spent two years in television, never as a romantic lead or a song and dance man.

I think we should just tip the government if it does a good job. Fifteen percent is the standard tip, isn't it?

The federal government spends millions to run the Postal Service. I could lose your mail for half of that.

I came down to Orange because I sold the Smothers Brothers a song called 'Chocolate,' and that gave me enough money to move down here. I was washing windows down in Orange County when they called me up and said they wanted me to do their TV show.

Wine is something to enjoy. We get sick and tired of people who pick it apart and talk about its 'saucy nuances.'

We have nothing to fear but fear itself... and, of course, the boogieman.

The last few years of my life have been a little like a long ride in a Poop de Ville with the bottom down.

I once told Tommy Smothers, 'If I could just get the money and the women straightened out, the rest of my life would be easy.'

Should we continue to spend billions to subsidize foreign military dictatorships, or should we concentrate on taking better care of the one we have right here at home?

Yeah, I'm running for the White House again. Well, it's not a run, really; it's sort of a brisk walk.

People come up to me in bars and on street corners and they say to me, 'Hey, Paulsen, have you got any change?'