Adam Carolla

If you've driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it's like a golf course... Real estate values go 'boom!'

In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff. I liked cars and architecture, and things that cost money. I wanted to not swing a hammer, and make money... and not do stuff that was dirty. I attempted to get into comedy. I started to do stand-up, but I wasn't very good at it.

Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.

I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, 'Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome.'

It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.

When I say things that sound insane, like only the smartest million people should have the right to vote, well, I mean that.

If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was?

I have feelings that are to the right, and I have feelings that land on the left side of the aisle. The thing is if you have 10 views that land you on the left side of the aisle and two views that land you on the right side of the aisle, then people just put you on the right side of the aisle. I'm not sure why.

I have no connection with Hollywood. I'm not interested. I don't care.

The very definition of 'beauty' is outside.

I don't have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.