Jon Stewart

I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.

If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963.

Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center.

I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor.

Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?

I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.

Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings.

If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.

If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets.