Jerry Seinfeld

I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

I like definitive things.

I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

I love being a dad. I just love it.

Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.

You want to do good things, and once you've done a couple of good things in a row, you think 'Well gee, let's not mess this up.' But I am lucky at this point that I have something I really love to do, and it completely holds my attention. I never feel frustrated by it.

I'm a big believer than a great bit is a great bit - if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they're beautiful things when they're done.

I do a little thing about the way people shake the sweetener packet. You know, like they're all excited. I want to get all the granules down to one end. I love all these rituals.