Emo Philips

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. ”

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. ”

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. ”

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. ”

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. ”

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. ”

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. ”

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks. ”

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. ”

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. ”