Emo Philips

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. ”

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day. ”

You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi! ”

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi. ”

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. ”

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. ”

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? ”

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.' ”

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. ”