Bob Hope

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off. ”

If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ”

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued. ”

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. ”

I have too much money invested in sweaters. ”

When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in. ”

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy. ”

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money. ”

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. ”

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn? ”