I'm not looking for 'outer esteem' anymore, what they call 'other esteem.' I'm looking for self-esteem. And people think that self-esteem is built with accomplishments. And, 'Hey, look what I did in my life.'

The only reason I was allowed to have a career for a quarter century as an insult comic is because it's all in jest and all for fun.

I keep getting asked out by really young, good looking boys and really ugly lesbians. So, even if I wanted to jump onto the tuna boat, I wouldn't because I'm not getting high-class babes that I should get at this level of my career. And I always know the ugly ones are serious and that the good-looking ones are goofing on me.

I'm not ready to die yet. I have, like, 40 years left that I have to make up for all of the trouble I caused in my first 50 years.

The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine.

Stand-up comedy is something that you have to strive to do, multiple times a night, every night, to be good.

It's a cosmic joke that I'm a lesbian, because I understand men so well but women are a complete mystery to me.

I can rap. Not openly in the world, but it's important that people know! I can rap for a very specific reason, which is that in college I was in an improv comedy group, and we did musical improv.