The thing that upsets me the most is the entitlement of people that will stand with a flag and say to some other people that they need to go back to where they came from. When, in fact, they also would need to go back to where they came from, because you need to go all the way back to the beginning.

I can't pay her back, but what I can do is make her as happy as she thought I would when we first got married.

I believe that there are certain things that could be taken care of that you don't need a strong political background in.

The first night was awful because I was so afraid, and I was never more afraid because it was going out of my character to be outgoing and to be vulnerable and to be out there and onstage. My hands were sweaty and I couldn't swallow, and I drank a bottle of wine to calm my nerves.

The Comedy Store is my home!

Death's an old joke, but each individual encounters it anew.

My parents and my brother instilled in me my sense of humor. That's kind of the way we communicate with each other, and it's always been a way for me to get to know people.

I had big teeth, and I was goofy. I probably used to mess with people too much. People were always trying to be cool, and I was just being goofy and an idiot. So whenever I would get picked on - which happened a lot - I would usually find a way to talk my way out of it or joke my way out of it.