Demetri Martin

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy. ”

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time. ”

Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it. ”

I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone. ”

And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite. ”

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!' ”

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. ”

It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something. ”

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. ”

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. ”