Demetri Martin

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money. ”

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. ”

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.' ”

As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it. ”

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track. ”

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.' ”

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. ”

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it. ”

It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown. ”

I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that. ”