Charlie Brooker

Everyone's opened a drawer and been startled by the unexpected discovery of an old mobile phone that now resembles an outsized pantomime prop. To think you used to be impressed by this clunky breezeblock. You were like a caveman gawping at a yo-yo. ”

I've scaled back my involvement with Twitter; it's too easy to get dragged into an argument. ”

Our metropolises are blighted by two problems: a lack of public transport and a lack of public loos. ”

People always assume I went to public school, which I didn't, so that immediately puts me somewhere. ”

I'm no financial expert. I scarcely know what a coin is. Ask me to explain what a credit default swap is, and I'll emit an unbroken 10-minute 'um' through the clueless face of a broken puppet. You might as well ask a pantomime horse. ”

Like bankers, top footballers are massively overpaid, but at least you comprehend what they're doing for the money. ”

Tinder is the ultimate gamification of romance. It's 'Pokemon Go' for the heart. ”

Online, you play at being yourself. ”

A cupcake is just a muffin with clown puke topping. ”

It must be awful, being a homophobe. ”