Ambrose Bierce

Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on. ”

Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two. ”

Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly. ”

Optimism - the doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly. ”

What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country. ”

Irreligion - the principal one of the great faiths of the world. ”

Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization. ”

Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. ”

Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel. ”

Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable. ”