Joan Rivers

With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what death is - without waking up to someone clapping and going, 'Joan, wake up, it's all over and you're looking pretty'.

When I turn down work, I feel guilty, I feel terrible; I don't know where the next job is going to come from.

Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.

What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.