Joan Rivers

Show business is - you're there by somebody's fluke. And as long as somebody likes you, and the show is going well, you're fine. I'd do anything. There's so much I want to do.

My eyes opened, and the first thing I thought of when I could put thoughts together was I want to be in show business. Never wanted anything else. I used to sneak in the costume room at my nursery school and smell the costumes.

I have no line. If I think it's funny, it's funny.

I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny.

Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be.

Prince Charles is so funny. So, so funny.

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.

Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.

I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

I've always been salaried; I've never owned anything. I've done very well, lived very well.

I'm grateful for every day I'm still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it's the preservatives that keep me going. That, and I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on.