Joan Rivers

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

I could pull my living in and live OK, but I don't want to live OK. I'm very happy to live in my penthouse, very happy I can pick up a check, very happy to have a great life and be able to spread my wealth a little bit.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.

Life does not measure up to performing... Performing is perfect.

As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.