Jackie Mason

I knew nothing about professional comedians when I became a comedian. I was a rabbi. So I had no professional comedians to learn from.

I am very proud of my career and that I've the health, thank God, to continue doing this for so long.

There is no way I would ever want to be president for a second. It's much easier to make fun of them on the stage and get paid for it. With all the years of me lampooning the presidents in my act, I know I could never ever want that job.

The truth is I'm not at all surprised of the longevity of my career. In fact, I would be surprised if the opposite were true and if my career did not have this longevity because I can't believe people would purposely deprive themselves of such hilarious, meaningful entertainment at these prices.

If I'm a busboy in Philadelphia, then I have to be careful about what I say. But if I'm a public tycoon like Jerry Seinfeld, and I got a billion dollars in my pocket, he's got to be nuts to wonder or worry about what people are going to think.

Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if they wanted to be one?

I have nothing but love in my heart and everything I say is just an instrument for laughs.

It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.

I have always found myself trying to study and analyze the world around me - not just taking everything for granted and following whatever is popular.

I have a great identification with Judaism as a religion and as a culture, and all the values that created such a great history, and the Jewish contribution to the betterment of all humanity.

I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different reasons at different times.