Ambrose Bierce

Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.

Edible - good to eat and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.

Acquaintance. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.

Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.

Compromise, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due.

Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.

To be positive is to be mistaken at the top of one's voice.

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.