Ambrose Bierce

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

Battle, n., A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that would not yield to the tongue.

Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.

Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

Creditor. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions.

Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.

Patriotism. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.

Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.

Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.

Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable.

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.