Hasan Minhaj

I like to have straight-up black coffee, but when you get it, sometimes you'll burn your tongue, or it spills on your hands, and you get third degree burns. I happen to be the kind of human being who doesn't want to sue coffee companies for money, so I just say, 'Hey, can you give me some coffee, but can you also give me like, eight ice cubes.'

My mom works at the VA; she's been working at the VA for 15 plus years, and yet she's helping so many veterans coming back from brown Muslim countries, and my mom treats them. It's this weird - sometimes I feel torn. It's this dual identity. I'm so proud to be American, and at the same time, I disagree with our foreign policy.

My mom worked at the VA for years, so any time I can do anything to help, it's a must.

Every time a U.S.A. Today slides underneath my door, it's like they're saying, 'Hey, you're not that smart, right?'

Every time I watch CNN, it feels like you're assigning me homework. Is Trump a Russian spy? I don't know. You tell me - I'm watching the news. It feels like I'm watching CNN watch the news. Just take an hour, figure out what you want to say, then go on the air.

Every time Trump goes golfing, the headline should read, 'Trump Goes Golfing. Apocalypse Delayed.'

I went to college during the Kazaa/Napster era, and we had free Internet, which was a huge deal. People were just downloading all of everything.

If it's just me on stage telling stories for, like, an hour, that's great. That's fine. But like a sandcastle on the beach, it gets washed away at night. It's so much more powerful if we can all share our narratives and doorstep moments and make us feel a little less alone. I'm just trying to use social media and new media as a way to capture that.

Donald Trump is an extremist leader who came out of nowhere. He's self-financed, recruits through social media, attracts his followers with a radical ideology to take over the world, and is actively trying to promote a war between Islam and the West.

A lot of people in the media say that Donald Trump goes golfing too much, which raises a very important question: Why do you care? Do you want to know what he's not doing when he's golfing? Being president. Let the man putt-putt!

A lot of times, especially when it comes to political debates, people get caught up in esoteric statistics. So the realest thing I can do that has nothing to do with numbers is tell you my personal experience.

A lot of times in life, it's personal choices that you're making, actively, and then there's a myriad of forces and circumstances that are out of our control. And without even realizing it, you're riding a wave of events that you have no control of.