All Quotes

I always just forced myself to do crazy things in public. In college I would push an overhead projector across campus with my pants just low enough to show my butt. Then my friend would incite the crowd to be like, 'Look at that idiot!' That's how I got over being shy. ”

It'd be great to be in a position where you can make choices regardless of money. My tastes are always gonna lead me to go for the amazing project where I'm being paid in Turkish cantaloupes. ”

It's very easy for me to play silly, but to reveal something closer to you, that's so much harder. ”

I guess ultimately a lot of comedians just wanna be taken seriously. ”

Aren't we all striving to be overpaid for what we do? ”

I was never a class clown or anything like that, but I do remember being in the first grade and my teacher, Mr. Chad, told the class one day that we were going to do some exercises. He meant math exercises, but I stood up and started doing jumping jacks. To this day, I don't know what possessed me to do that, but all my friends cracked up. ”

I did plenty of jobs that I hated. I was a bank teller and terrible at it. I parked cars, a valet. I answered phones. I somehow avoided being a waiter. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep the order straight. I'm not much of a multi-tasker. ”

There's nothing sexy about Orange County. ”

I love playing the macho guy who looks like an idiot. ”

I would love to play Simon Cowell in a movie - heck, I would love it. It would be my dream role. ”