Billy Connolly

Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up. ”

I don't aim to offend. ”

I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far. ”

I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place. ”

I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do. ”

I loathe hecklers. I haven't got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone. There's an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it's a different venue. ”

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things. ”

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet. ”

I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended. ”

I like Dali and Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist. ”